BUCK FUDDY
Sorry folks... I've been so busy packing for my next adventure that I've had no time to actually write today... so here is a repost from a couple months back. I will return Tuesday with a fresh edition - ENJOY!
We've all been there; that long, seemingly endless drought during which time you get no play, no action, none of that sweet, that good, that gushy stuff. The single life is mundane, and you've got no viable prospects. Some take matters into their own hands (in West Virginia, many descend into the arms of a sexy sibling). You start to think to yourself this can’t be for too long, I’m quick-witted and too attractive to be single. This thought permeates throughout the corridors of your mind (seeping down into other regions within your body) until you decide there are no other viable candidates. You’re desperate to see any feasible candidates and you decide to try a new route aptly-titled “friends with benefits” (or the part-time lover).
You know how it starts… one day, you’re with your friend, and notice how he/she is attractive [or fill random trait that makes you horny] and how great you interact. Next thing, you know you’ve stained some sheets with whipped cream and exotic oils, laying in the wet spot wondering how in the world you got into this mess.
YOU: What in the hell just happened?
THEM: What in the hell just happened?
YOU: It was good, though.
THEM: I can’t believe we did this.
YOU: Ooh, that was good.
THEM: This will ruin our friendship.
YOU: Let’s do this again ‘cuz this felt really good.
THEM: We shouldn’t be doing – but it felt so right.
YOU: I hope this doesn’t mess our friendship but it was good, though.
THEM: I’ve always wanted to make love to someone who could be my best friend.
Generally, this situation usually doesn’t end up at the altar (but we continue to paint the fine line of friend and lover). The part-time lover finds its origins in some breakup many years ago. It started with some dude, who was sick of being “trapped” in a relationship, sick of some female’s crap yet still feenin’ for her brown sugar, voiced a proposal, an agreement, if you will. Sex without relationship complications; totally need-based, not emotional like what those other suckers are doing; just for a little while. It's the perfect plan. Kind of like a severance package for his package, until it finds “new employment” (almost like a staffing agency, you know, temp-to-hire).
The mistake didn't lie in the idea, because people come up with stupid ideas every day. Attempting to have sex with your ex isn't exactly innovative, either. The mistake, avid speak.™ readers, is that he or she agreed to it. This novel thought opened a new escape clause for anti-relationships everywhere. Sex with no strings; the multiple-night-stand; the part-time lover (hell, even Stevie Wonder could see that was a great deal). In later years, the part-time lover made way for other dating loophole innovations like Revenge Sex and the Late Night Booty Call…. but I digress.
So here you are, still bitching about not being able to find someone special, but now you have a big ol’ Kool-Aid smile on your face. Why? You’re getting some of that oohwee, that makes me wanna holler, that sexual healing, seeing how Stella really got her groove back (you know before the closet opening).
In order for the the part-time lover plan to work, there must be rules in place. You must both be single. You're probably not getting any from anyone else; otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for the part-time lover. You can't get emotionally attached, jealous, needy, or any of that crap (fat chance of that happening). You probably try to keep it a secret, too. And, most of all, you can’t let it interfere with your (or your friend's) dating life. You know what? With all those rules, it starts to sound a lot like a… relationship or worse, a JOB.
In theory, it's like finding a bag of money. You can’t believe your luck and you probably don’t think to ask yourself [self, where in the hell did this money come from?]. Your dumb ass is just happy you ain’t broke right now. You can't believe that you're the only one who thought of this. No anniversaries to remember, no hearts and flowers, no explaining where you were last night, you're in heaven. But as we all know with money (and love/lust), you never know when it's all going to run out.
Disaster comes into play when one of the two friends in the agreement is harboring feelings (it just takes one). Think about it, any friend who would just concur to start having casual yet semi-exclusive sex (especially with you) has to have an agenda of their own. [The fact that they look at you, lick their lips and fondle appendages is a give-away too.] Chances are they not are fully aware of it themselves (these account for 90% of the part-time lover files). With this being said, when the drought is over, and the emergency the part-time lover rations can be put away, that pre-existing crush is enough to cause immense (yet, swift to you) jealousy and the victim is your platonic, un-awkward, normal friendship.
That's assuming you're good (and compatible in bed) which can lead to another kind of adversity. What if you don't click in bed? What if you chicken out as soon as they get naked? What if you end up laying there saying what the hell did we just do? What if you can't finish? What if you can't even get started? These are things that start to mess with confidence and self-esteem. It also makes for an awkward game of UNO next time you two are hanging out alone (assuming that you're even able to be alone together after that point).
Then there are the resentment issues. Eventually, someone will start to feel like the other person's back-up booty. Sex without all the relationship-type stuff leaves you a lot of time to think about what you just did, especially when your love interest just jumped up to play a video game or to call the guy she's really interested in.
It's rare to find someone mature enough to have continuous sex and not develop feelings for them. It's even rarer to find someone who can deal with those feelings if and when they show up. In the end, you've got feelings (i.e. awkwardness, jealousy, resentment, and all the other things) that can stop a relationship dead in its tracks (by the way, a friendship is a relationship). And it sucks more than Jenna Jameson that the relationship that got you into this mess, can make you end up losing a lover AND a friend.
In essence, in trying to avoid headaches, you back your way into migraines. You're stuck. You're solo again, this time; you’re bored as hell ‘cuz you don’t even have your friend to call on. But sometimes, you look over at that other person and realize that you're having sex with someone you like to hang out with, who likes all the same stuff you do, who knows all your secrets and still wants to hang out with you. Sometimes, they realize it too. Then things work out and you get to twerk it out…
I’m out – let me know how you feel.
Sorry folks... I've been so busy packing for my next adventure that I've had no time to actually write today... so here is a repost from a couple months back. I will return Tuesday with a fresh edition - ENJOY!
We've all been there; that long, seemingly endless drought during which time you get no play, no action, none of that sweet, that good, that gushy stuff. The single life is mundane, and you've got no viable prospects. Some take matters into their own hands (in West Virginia, many descend into the arms of a sexy sibling). You start to think to yourself this can’t be for too long, I’m quick-witted and too attractive to be single. This thought permeates throughout the corridors of your mind (seeping down into other regions within your body) until you decide there are no other viable candidates. You’re desperate to see any feasible candidates and you decide to try a new route aptly-titled “friends with benefits” (or the part-time lover).
You know how it starts… one day, you’re with your friend, and notice how he/she is attractive [or fill random trait that makes you horny] and how great you interact. Next thing, you know you’ve stained some sheets with whipped cream and exotic oils, laying in the wet spot wondering how in the world you got into this mess.
YOU: What in the hell just happened?
THEM: What in the hell just happened?
YOU: It was good, though.
THEM: I can’t believe we did this.
YOU: Ooh, that was good.
THEM: This will ruin our friendship.
YOU: Let’s do this again ‘cuz this felt really good.
THEM: We shouldn’t be doing – but it felt so right.
YOU: I hope this doesn’t mess our friendship but it was good, though.
THEM: I’ve always wanted to make love to someone who could be my best friend.
Generally, this situation usually doesn’t end up at the altar (but we continue to paint the fine line of friend and lover). The part-time lover finds its origins in some breakup many years ago. It started with some dude, who was sick of being “trapped” in a relationship, sick of some female’s crap yet still feenin’ for her brown sugar, voiced a proposal, an agreement, if you will. Sex without relationship complications; totally need-based, not emotional like what those other suckers are doing; just for a little while. It's the perfect plan. Kind of like a severance package for his package, until it finds “new employment” (almost like a staffing agency, you know, temp-to-hire).
The mistake didn't lie in the idea, because people come up with stupid ideas every day. Attempting to have sex with your ex isn't exactly innovative, either. The mistake, avid speak.™ readers, is that he or she agreed to it. This novel thought opened a new escape clause for anti-relationships everywhere. Sex with no strings; the multiple-night-stand; the part-time lover (hell, even Stevie Wonder could see that was a great deal). In later years, the part-time lover made way for other dating loophole innovations like Revenge Sex and the Late Night Booty Call…. but I digress.
So here you are, still bitching about not being able to find someone special, but now you have a big ol’ Kool-Aid smile on your face. Why? You’re getting some of that oohwee, that makes me wanna holler, that sexual healing, seeing how Stella really got her groove back (you know before the closet opening).
In order for the the part-time lover plan to work, there must be rules in place. You must both be single. You're probably not getting any from anyone else; otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for the part-time lover. You can't get emotionally attached, jealous, needy, or any of that crap (fat chance of that happening). You probably try to keep it a secret, too. And, most of all, you can’t let it interfere with your (or your friend's) dating life. You know what? With all those rules, it starts to sound a lot like a… relationship or worse, a JOB.
In theory, it's like finding a bag of money. You can’t believe your luck and you probably don’t think to ask yourself [self, where in the hell did this money come from?]. Your dumb ass is just happy you ain’t broke right now. You can't believe that you're the only one who thought of this. No anniversaries to remember, no hearts and flowers, no explaining where you were last night, you're in heaven. But as we all know with money (and love/lust), you never know when it's all going to run out.
Disaster comes into play when one of the two friends in the agreement is harboring feelings (it just takes one). Think about it, any friend who would just concur to start having casual yet semi-exclusive sex (especially with you) has to have an agenda of their own. [The fact that they look at you, lick their lips and fondle appendages is a give-away too.] Chances are they not are fully aware of it themselves (these account for 90% of the part-time lover files). With this being said, when the drought is over, and the emergency the part-time lover rations can be put away, that pre-existing crush is enough to cause immense (yet, swift to you) jealousy and the victim is your platonic, un-awkward, normal friendship.
That's assuming you're good (and compatible in bed) which can lead to another kind of adversity. What if you don't click in bed? What if you chicken out as soon as they get naked? What if you end up laying there saying what the hell did we just do? What if you can't finish? What if you can't even get started? These are things that start to mess with confidence and self-esteem. It also makes for an awkward game of UNO next time you two are hanging out alone (assuming that you're even able to be alone together after that point).
Then there are the resentment issues. Eventually, someone will start to feel like the other person's back-up booty. Sex without all the relationship-type stuff leaves you a lot of time to think about what you just did, especially when your love interest just jumped up to play a video game or to call the guy she's really interested in.
It's rare to find someone mature enough to have continuous sex and not develop feelings for them. It's even rarer to find someone who can deal with those feelings if and when they show up. In the end, you've got feelings (i.e. awkwardness, jealousy, resentment, and all the other things) that can stop a relationship dead in its tracks (by the way, a friendship is a relationship). And it sucks more than Jenna Jameson that the relationship that got you into this mess, can make you end up losing a lover AND a friend.
In essence, in trying to avoid headaches, you back your way into migraines. You're stuck. You're solo again, this time; you’re bored as hell ‘cuz you don’t even have your friend to call on. But sometimes, you look over at that other person and realize that you're having sex with someone you like to hang out with, who likes all the same stuff you do, who knows all your secrets and still wants to hang out with you. Sometimes, they realize it too. Then things work out and you get to twerk it out…
I’m out – let me know how you feel.
We are undercover passion on the run
Chasing love up
against the sunWe are strangers by day, lovers by night
Knowing it's so wrong,
but feeling so right…
- Stevie Wonder
these relationships are wack, people need to have some self control and women need to know their self worth---i wish a n*%#a would try to buck fuddy me!!!! His lil feelings would be so hurt...sorry I just cant get with it for so many reasons, and who needs a lecture, when we all know what the consequences are...
ReplyDeleteyeah...see the problem with the buck fuddies is even if you all are not "friends" the eventual mistake of staying over for breakfast, then oops, there we go making the mistake of taking this outside the bedroom, till one day you realize that you are calling them for more than just sex... like you all are chilling with one another and you wondering what the hell are we together or what? then you start asking him questions...and thats when trouble starts...
ReplyDeleteYou can only have a true buck fuddy relationship when somebody lives out of state (notice I didn't say out of town). Then you two can only get together rarely anyway so there's less risk feelings get involved.
ReplyDeleteLadies, ladies, ladies...what is the beef? Why wouldn't you be interested in someone who you're already friends with? To add a man's perspective I must say, a Buck Fuddy is often the way to go. In my opinion, women often make the mistake of thinking that giving "NewGuy" a chance is better than giving "GuyYou'veKnownForever" a chance. Guess what, "NewGuy" is just like "GuyYou'veKnownForever" accept he doesn't love you enough to put up with your sh%t. As long as nobody does anything stupid, it'll all works out. Just draw the boundaries upfront. So give your boy that you always hang out with a call. He's down...I promise you.
ReplyDeletei won't say the buck fuddy thing didnt work, it did...too well...and now three years later... its like yeah glad that we were friends, not too close, but not strangers either cause yeah i did know that he cared about me and my feelings enough to make sure I didnt feel like crap when I realized it wasnt working... yeah he was sweet....too sweet even huh? yeah and now i have to remember how to be in a relationship, so theres that other thing... you know moving on...
ReplyDeleteBuck Fuddies... our convenient way of beating the system. They contain most levels of intimacy without entitlement of labels.
ReplyDeleteI've found they only seem to work in moderation because if you start to do these things with regularity, you can become addicted.... and addicts begin to fiend for what they want (becoming annoyances in the process) and potentially unstable (i.e. dangerous).
You betta pump your brakes and drive slow, homie....
good one george,..becasue of you .. i dont do any work..haha
ReplyDeletethat Friends with Benefits stuff is an unfair dynamic.. feelings always get caught up in that one. It is not worth it....
I think a question that is relative to this subject is; if you are only looking for sex, then why would it matter if you go to or not to the same person if it's just for the sex? Let, me explain. As you describe, a single person who may have urges or needs but doesn't have a significant other, may go venture out for that immediate satisfaction. Call up an ex, old friend, etc... but what happens the next time? We call the same one. Why? Familarity? Great sex? Safeness issues? Eventually you will realize the reason why you wanted to share your physical self with that person. You start to notice things you never thought about before... and now you are the subject of the Musiq song "Half Crazy" because that's what you are half crazy. You want this person, but don't want the responsbilty of a relationship. Because relationships are hard, and time consuming. If we are going to enter into a sexual relationship, we have to be ready for all consequences. Maturity plays a role, yes. But I believe a mature person would be able to learn how to control those sexual emotions until they are ready to fully experience what comes along with it. Sex is a very intimate, sacred bond between two people. But in today's culture, it's treated like it just a thing to do. And that's not right. From a moral and spiritual view, it's a sin. Sex is supposed to be saved only for your wife or husband. Of course not all of us, if any, can say that now a days.. but I think it is necessary to try to change this perception for future generations. Not to get on a soap box, but who you sleep with should be in high standard or priority. You don't want to just sleep with any body... right? So, if they are good enough to sleep with, why aren't they good enough to meet your mommma?
ReplyDeleteThis reasoning comes from ideals of morailty and decency. Not all people feel this way and will have sex with anybody, anything at any time because of their lack of consciousness. But for the rest of us who do know right from wrong, and feel remorse when we choose to do wrong, let's take our buck fuddy and call him or her what she really is... our lover, friend, confidant. Sounds like they are more than just a buddy.
Beneficial friendships... hmmm.
ReplyDeleteI've been there, and I don't know if I would go so far as to say that they're beneficial for both, as one person certainly DOES come out on the losing end, Jorge. Yeah, it feels good in the beginning, but it's almost always inevitable that 1) a friendship will be compromised, 2) someone's feelings will get hurt, and/or 3) awkwardness will ensue.
George listed some rules as to how these homeyloverfriendships work in paragraph seven. But even rules have conditions, guys.
For example, rule #4 mentions that a buck fuddy should not interfere with your dating life. However, if you're in the same room (or same city, for that matter) as the BF/FB, and you're trying to talk to someone else, jealousy may arise, possibly causing the need for a wingman (see jorgemateo's "My-T Wingman" article) or good maneuvering to keep the buck fuddy at bay. This leads to the problem of rule #2, "you can't get emotionally attached".
Most of the time, someone's going to get attached, damnit. Especially if there is more there than just sex (like good communication), or underlying feelings never expressed in the preceding friendship. Those don't just go away when the draws get mixed up in the sheets.
Let's say your buck fuddy's wants and needs are not satiated by you. Guess what!? The situation no longer remains a secret (refer to Rule #3). Why? Because most likely, your BF is talking about how confused and conflicted they are about you to another friend or some friends (sss, plural). So yes, Shatisha, Nicole, Kion'dre, Doug, Tron, and the rest of the crew DO know. They just aren't telling YOU, 'cause "it's a secret".
If you're not emotionally attached and it's nothing but sex, you may just get bored. You're not going to want to snuggle afterwards; you're gonna want to go home, because there's nothing else there. Then the sex starts to feel empty, and being alone in your own bed eating Apple Jacks feels better. And then you're going to get tired/annoyed by the person, and then avoidance (WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME YESTERDAY!!?!) occurs. And then you may start to get mad. (BITCH! We're not together!!). And then the end.
By the way, buck fuddies aren't always single (refer to Rule #1). All you need is one or two unhappy (or selfish, or horny) committed people, and there you go...
For whatever reasons that the situation begins: lust, attraction, the expectation of a relationship that's obviously never going to happen..., TRUTH needs to come first and foremost for a Buck Fuddy to work.
Both friends need to know what they're getting into and expectations and questions about the future need to be left at the door. Because if you both know what you're getting into and you don't expect much, you can't start a fight when the other person starts seeing someone else in a month and a half.
You also need to ask yourself if the Fuck is worth more than the Friend or, if you can separate the two into different dimensions (there's that 'line' thing that GM mentioned). Because there's a 91.7% chance that things are going to get awkward, and a 99.96% chance that the friendship will change or be compromised in some way (audio example: "halfcrazy" by Musiq - Juslisen).
In addition, there needs to be a level of maturity, emotional intelligence, and self-control. You need to be in a position where sex, aside from the friendship, is the only other thing you want from your friend.
You have to protect your heart, and be careful not to compromise yourself in any way. As GM said, situations like this can work, and maybe even bloom into something more (I know of one marriage that came out of a thing like this, and has lasted for 14 years so far), but it may take time, and it's rare.
Cold, isn't it? Like -20 degrees. That's why situations like these don't work too well. Too many rules that most people don't have the heart, or lack thereof, to follow. It's not always easy to suppress the emotional for the physical.
Damn, you know you've written a good blog when you have blogs written in response. Excellent literary piece brother Jorge, just remember that someone ALWAYS catches feelings, the question is are you going to stop boning in time to hurt them a little or a lot?
ReplyDeleteWow, George, you might have to start holding seminars! Nyahne and you should write a damn book, but I digress. We can all agree that there are pros and cons to "friends with benefits." For those who want sex with no strings attached it is PERFECT. Yet, black folks let's understand one thing: YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT YOU VALUE MOST...THE INTIMACY YOU TWO ULTIMATELY SHARE, OR THE FRIENDSHIP. Emotions always get involved because that is the nature of "sex." That is why God deemed it appropriate only for married individuals. Don't mistake that comment for judgement by me, cuz believe me I have done my share of fornicating (and I still am, LOL).
ReplyDeleteREMEMBER: These emotions--rage, jealousy, caring--don't necessarily have to be projected toward your buck fuddy, his/her significant other, or his/her other dips. (What, you actually think you the only "friend w/ benefits???) They mainly have to deal with ourselves. We beat ourselves up, we have become confused, our lusts and desires are growing, yet we wanna remain cool. We tell ourselves:
"I am cool with hooking-up occasionally."
"I hope he don't think I'm a 'ho' now."
"She need to give me more head next time."
"What his girl don't know won't hurt her!"
"Is she freaking Raheim, too?!?"
"Maybe she'll do a 3some with Wanda. Yeeeaahhh."
"If I keep hooking up with him, maybe he'll see I'm better than the trick he's wit."
As you see we traded our integrity, comraderie, and mutual respect for each other, for insecurities, carnal desires, and some wet sheets and a carpet-burn!
But you ladies and gentlemen don't have these issues. Ya'll have mastered Buck Fuddydom.
...maybe it is just me who has the problem.
I have to agree with nyberg..."3)awkwardness will ensue", however, it's not as bad as it may seem. As long as the "friends" are upfront & honest it can be a quite beneficial arrangement. When feelings change (or not) both parties have to or rather should communicate to the other where they stand. (even if feelings might get hurt)...b/c inevitably if they keep it up....one of the two will become attached.
ReplyDeleteEven with honesty and "being upfront," things can still get mighty murky down the road. There may be no feelings and an understanding of "the rules" in September when things heat up, but by November all bets are off and someone feels love, feels used, or feels they are wasting time. It's ESPECIALLY tricky with an ex, b/c there's bound to be a current of leftover emotions below the surface. Women have a hard time because we are brainwashed from childhood to believe our sexuality isn't as compelling or urgent as a man's. Many of us feel guilty or shamed by sex outside of a "relationship," no matter how crappy the relationship. I better stop before I end up like one of the long posts above. Maybe I'll just continue on my on blog...
ReplyDeletethanks for bringing up the great topic -- I'll keot checking back in...