I'm getting old.
I'm not quite sure when it happened - but I'm very sure that it did.
This morning, I woke up sore and tired after 8 hours of rest.
In undergrad, I once stayed up 72 hours straight, playing basketball, video games and downloading music... I only went to sleep because I finally got bored.
Among other things:
I'm starting to lose my memory.
I'm paranoid of going bald.
I clip coupons.
I feel myself preaching to everyone me (random ramblings about any and everything).
I even make noises like an old man when I bend over to pick stuff up.
What in the world has happened to me?
While arriving at this stark reality, I began to go back and see when things began to change. I soon realized that not only had things changed physically; they had changed mentally as well.
Here's what I found:
I overanalyze things.
I touched the stove to see if it was really hot.
I questioned the fact that fat meat was greasy.
I tried to find out on many occasions how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
All ended in failure.
Translation: stop thinking so hard because you can create trouble for yourself.
I'm not as smart as I think I am.
No, really - it's true - don't be alarmed.
I do not know everything and sometimes I make wild guesses and they actually turn out to be right. With that being said, Im definitely no dummy... my intuition is generally more accurate than an EPT. Save your #2's, I'm not the one to be tested.
I'm lazy.
I've always been like that.
Something has to move me, really drive me for me to really push myself. A lot of stuff has come naturally to me in life so I don't always exude the effort I need to the best. With that being said, even when I half-ass, it's still better than a lot of people's best.
I can't please everyone.
I just figured that one out. I sure did try, though.
My back is STILL hurting from trying to carry people.
I'm tired of being scared.
Scared of my future because I'm scarred from my past.
Scared of failure.
Scared of my neighbors' big ol' pitbull who seems to be fond of running up on me out of the blue.
People have been killed for less.
Go lock that damn dog up somewhere.
I'm ready to settle down.
I'm at the age where it seems all of my friends are married (or about to be) and starting families.
My brother has been married for 3+ years now and his tribe is proud and healthy. I am so proud of him and the things he has accomplished.
I want to be as a good of a parent as mine were to me. I yearn to be a father and not just Daddy...
I'm not quite sure of what my purpose is yet.
I'm 25; I have my health, a good job and most of my hair.
I have 2 degrees and no kids or diseases yet I still feel a void.. I don't want to be sitting at a desk or cubicle 15 years from you pondering the same questions I had 20 years prior. I want to be happy, not just content. I want to see the world, leave no stone unturned. I want to learn how to curse someone out in at least six different languages. I want to finish the novel I've been working on forever. I want something else other than the cookie-cutter lifestyle.
I'm actually coming to grips that I'm not that bad looking.
Quiet down, peanut gallery.
Things are a little different now although I am still that nerd... I just hide it better.
I have friends.
Not fairweather associates but true friends.
Friends who have seen the various sides of me and weren't scared away. I am thankful for each and everyday. They are appreciated more than they will ever know.
There is so much that I've left unsaid but I'm sure you're tired of reading this. I look back these years that I've spent on this earth and I am thankful for each and every experience that has shaped me into the sarcastic, creaky-jointed, forgetful person that types these words today. Sometimes you have to sit back and open up yourself - no matter the consequences.
Readers: I ask you today - what are you made of?
- Jorge
George~
ReplyDeleteI think this is one of the purest most honest blogs you've done yet! It illustrates your growth and maturity(from freshman yr.) and I am incredibly proud of the man you are and the man you are still growing to be. It will all happen for you, but in God's time. You don't want to rush it and get the wrong one! She needs to possess as many wonderful qualities as you do. Continue to be patient and know that you are not just getting older, you're getting better! I love you lil ni**a!
Kellie
I have to agree with Kellie, she took the words out of my mouth. This has probably been my favorite of your blogs for many reasons, but mostly because I can identify with it personally, so thank you :) God is preparing you for your wife, and He is preparing her for you, so just let Him.
ReplyDeleteAshley
Kudos Jorge for being able to begin the cleansing process.I know the deal and this is the first step to getting past the bad days."Cheer up Charlie,things will get better..."(willy wonka and the choco factory).
ReplyDeleteThat being said,you want me to dig deep and self analyze today?What am I made of?Funny you should ask because I have been dealing with these grueling life-altering question sets since I lost my job 2 weeks ago.So far,I've found myself to be made of these things:
Patience
Despite it all,i have remained patient. When I failed my NASD series 6 which cost me my job,I realized that I didn't really like my job but at the same time I know what I want to do but in my region,the job market is HORRIBLE for PR.But I will be patient.I will continue to volunteer,freelance and gain expereince,even if unpaid to get me to my desired position.Be patient,I say,it will come.
I'm a Good Catch,I think
Even though I talk a good talk, and seem self assured,I really am a little insecure.This post-partum weight gain sucks,but I still only weight 1%^,not at all close to overweight. I am a single mother ,which eludes the mantra of being man's worst nightmare, but DAMMIT, I hold my own,I live by myself, HAD a good job,am smart and everything else a sensible man could want.
That enough today. I have learned alot about myself but I know more than anything that I have God in me and with him I can do anything.Thats all I need to be made of.
Nakeisha
AKA Pageant Mommy
I enjoyed that one. Very honest and introspective, George. We're all growing older, learning more about ourselves and the world around us, and discovering our path in life. It's a very scary but meaningful process.
ReplyDeleteI too have noticed some changes in myself as well...
- I use paper towels to blot and squeeze oil out of food because I think it's all just too greasy.
- I get mad when there aren't any green vegetables to eat in the house.
- I yell at news programs on television. Damn that lyin' idiot ass Bush!!!
- I dilute juice with water, because that stuff is just too sweet. High fructose corn syrup is dangerous!
- I too, moan when I pick up stuff off the floor. And get frustrated when I drop it in the first place.
- Loud noises are starting to bother me, and I want to tell them ghetto kids outside to go in the house and take that stupid dog with them.
- I wanna kick these white tee dudes out here in the ass, and tell them to get themselves together for the future. Because bling, rims, and a shoulder lean will get you nowhere.
- Speaking of shoulder lean, I don't listen to the radio that much anymore. Somehow, the quality of music has dropped down to the level of fungus.
- Naptime? Sounds great!
- I'm afraid that if things don't improve in this administration, I'll be floating on a raft made out of a piece of what used to be the Sears Tower in the middle of what used to be Lake Michigan with a gas mask on, a can of beans, and half a bottle of water.
Either way, as we continue go grow and mature, I am hopeful that we will all grow stronger and more intelligent, with a deeper wisdom, a deeper faith, more respect for others and our environment, and a greater sense of self. I also hope that we can all expand our horizons and our minds as time goes on. All this, in order to make the best decisions for ourselves and future generations to come.