Why is everything that's supposed to be bad, make me feel so good? Everything they told me not to - is exactly what I would....- Kanye West
While watching my beloved Chicago Bears come up with an improbable comeback against the Arizona Cardinals last night, I received a phone call from my homie, Pearly Girl. It started off as the regular casual catching-up conversation – you know: how's work; health; family, etc. – and we ended up delving into her current relationship.
Pearly Girl has been involved with a gentleman for several weeks now and things have been advancing through the various levels of Relationship Land. They spend a lot of time together and things of the like – and he seems like a really good dude on paper: older (so he's bound to be more mature), nice job, no criminal record, all of his limbs and original teeth – a real keeper. Of course, if he was really Mr. Perfect – I'd have nothing to blog about...
With that being said, things were hunky-dory between the two of them when he dropped the bomb on her that he might have a baby on the way. What the funk?!!! How does one not know if they have a baby on the way? How bad is your choice in women that you would have unprotected sex with a woman who isn't sure if you're the father? This has all the makings of a Maury Povich Show but again I'm digressing - so back to the lecture at hand.
One would think that upon seeing that, the person involved would run away faster than a fugitive from the pen – but again, that was not the case. Miss Pearly, being the warm and kind soul she is, gave the guy a chance anyway. Everything was cool between the two of them – except some of her friends didn't like him. Clearly they just didn't get a chance to really experience what he's really like. There was no real reason to object about him, they just didn't know him like she knew him.
Personally, I've been pulling for the guy. It's nothing like walking into a situation with judgment already cast against you before anything good can come to fruition due to unnecessary stereotypes. Well, let me rephrase that: I was pulling for the guy. In the last two weeks, he's started to show his true colors. He's been arrested for a DUI, is sometimes emotionally abusive and the anonymous seeds planted in the secret garden of the fertile chick's bedroom are beginning to blossom.
[Cue the organist.]
And it's
ONE
TWO
THREE
strikes, you're OUT
at the ol' ballgame…
At least, I was sure that Pearly was singing the hell out that song and had every intention of showing her beau the end of the road but she had other ideas. She told me that she knew that he was bad for her and that she had no belief that things were going to last long-term between the two of them. That makes great sense – if she ended things right then and there – but she didn't and still hasn't (as of 12:30 AM). I didn't expect her too, though… cuz she's been 'flicted; stricken down by a disease known as BDS (the Beautiful Dreamer Syndrome).
I know you might be wondering what BDS is – so I will do my best to give you a short description. BDS is a disease that affects the brain, heart and genitalia – causing you to make irrational decisions about common-sense things and unsettling the coolest of customers.
Some of the symptoms include:
- forgetfulness (sometimes you even forget you that you even have friends)
- nausea (you make others sick with your stupidity)
- sudden loss of hearing (you can't hear what people are saying to you)
- blindness (you can't see what's going on right in front of your face)
- increased sensitivity (everything rubs you the wrong way)
To quote the illustrious Zero K: Being in a dead-end situation is like walking into quicksand knowingly – where one walks into a hazardous situation knowing full well that there is a good chance that they won't ever be rescued. That makes you as on-point as a pencil with no lead.
However, the good news is that it is curable – provided you can deal with the medication. It involves you cutting off the dead weight (i.e. the relationship) and moving on with your life, no matter how bitter the taste it leaves inside. That's my time – so let me know your thoughts about this: why do people put themselves in situations that they know they cannot possibly succeed in yet hope that they will?
- Jorge
However, the good news is that it is curable – provided you can deal with the medication. It involves you cutting off the dead weight (i.e. the relationship) and moving on with your life, no matter how bitter the taste it leaves inside. That's my time – so let me know your thoughts about this: why do people put themselves in situations that they know they cannot possibly succeed in yet hope that they will?
Good Post Jorge..
ReplyDeleteBut to answer your question.. humans are naturally competitive. Most of us like challenges. So in relationships, people tend to go for things that are out of their reach. It's exciting, it's drama. And even though we say don't want any part of any drama, we still watch Jerry and Maury. Why? Who knows. Why does a child continue to touch a hot stove when the mother has told them not to touch it over and over. Even after that child touches and gets burn, they easily forget and attempt it agian. Eventually they will get burned enough times and stop that cycle.
This holds true for "us grown folks" as well. We get burned enough times, we'll leave that stove alone...
I still havent figured out why nice guys finish last. They look great on paper too, but there isnt enough "punch me in the throat and throw me into the bushes" to sustain us, go figure...
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine emailed me your blog site and I think that there may have been an underlying message behind it. I am also suffering from BDS and have recently come to a crossroads as to what I should do. The gentleman that I am seeing now really cares about me, we are together EVERYDAY, he's met all of my friends, interacts really well with my 5-year old daughter....BUT (you knew it was coming) he still does not consider me his girlfriend. His whole theology on this subject is that he will not call another female his "girlfriend" until he has found the one he's going to marry. This future marriage will not even take place until after he has finished grad school, which by the way he has yet to start. SOOOOOOO.... Do I continue with this imaginary "gray area" relationship or do I move on?
ReplyDeleteThere are other factors that come into play as well... He says that he could never marry a woman that smokes, I smoke. He also says that he thinks with my past alcohol and drug addiction problems (I have now been clean 6 months) that he is not sure if I will eventually relapse. Sometimes I feel that he just continues kicking it with me until something better comes along...I have no idea! I told myself that I would give him a year to decide what he wants to do and then after that I'm going to call it quits. Do you think that's too long or should I go ahead and just let go, no matter how painful it will be?
Hey, Gray area...
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I want to say congratulations on your recovery...I know it takes a lot on a daily basis to stay away. As far as your friend goes...you already know what you need to do. With you being in recovery, the last thing you need is a new addiction. I hate to be the one to say it, but it sounds like this gentlemen has already made his mind up about you and your role in his life. It seems as if he enjoys your company and all, but he has no intentions of ever being with you. His whole "my next girlfriend will be my next wife" line is b.s....knowing how the courting process works, it doesn't make much sense either. My advice to you is to walk away, now. It may be difficult...but imagine how hard it would be after a year? Stay focused on being sober and enjoying your daughter, the right person will come along in due time...Good luck to you!
Grey Area...
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I commend you for even realizing in yourself that this may even be a problem.
My take on your situation is that you are depending on this man for your overall happiness but in your words - you don't seem happy.
What is this man doing to make YOU feel good? You've told me about your daughter, your friends, but nothing about he makes you feel.
Don't let yourself be used just to feel better... do what you must in order to be happy. I hope this helps.
Grey Area -
ReplyDeleteWith that situation, there is no gray area. You all have too many issues between in your relationship in the midst of going thru with your recovery. Honestly, you shouldn't even be in a relationship like this at the moment.
One bad thing could drive you back to your addictions. Focus on yourself and your family first.
G,
ReplyDeleteYou know I love your posts. When you opened up with the quote from my favorite song on Kanye's "Late Registration", I knew you was about 2 drop some knowledge.
I have suffered (am suffering?) from BDS be4. Now, I don't know if Miss Pearly is IN LOVE with this fella, but when love is involved it makes BDS harder to cure. But most importantly, she has to learn on her own. Friends can advise until they turn blue in the face, but YOU have to make the move to let go.
By the way, "the anonymous seeds planted in the secret garden of the fertile chick's bedroom are beginning to blossom." THAT IS SIMPLY CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well like a lot of women I have fallen victim to BDS. It's like, you know but at the time being with someone is better than being alone and change is so hard. You sit and weigh the pros and cons and you know the situation is leading to a dead-end, but still we stay. Amazing!!! One day we all wake up, it may be 2 months into the relationship or it maybe 10 years into the relationship. A lot of times there is that 1 thing about the person you love, but there are 100 things that you hate. But if that 1 thing brings you enough joy, you'll deal with the other 100 until you just can't take it no more. Love and relationships are just like everything else in life, you have to learn from your mistakes. No matter how much advice your friends and family give you, ultimately that person has to decide for themselves. If we all made good decisions, we wouldn’t have anything to blog about!
ReplyDelete