the f-zone.

Just because it’s Valentine’s Day, I decided to share one deterrent about to the single life… I hope this dampens your day just as much as it did mine!

The Infamous Just Friends™ Speech.

It generally goes a bit like this:

YOU: I like spending time with you…
THEM: I like spending time with you…
YOU: I have so much fun when we are together…
THEM: Me, too.
YOU: What was it wanted to tell me?
THEM: You’re so great and I really enjoy our time together, but I think we should be just friends….
YOU: [mouth open, jaw dropped, tears forming in your left cornea] ….

Need I say more? (It wouldn’t much of a blog if I ended it there, so the show must go on…)

Let's just be friends. These four words can strike a person temporarily sterile. Listen to those words. The words sound so friggin’ innocent but can damage a person’s psyche; corrupt their soul (generally until the next person comes along, of course).

In reality, those words are a wasteland of profanity. That terminology comes to mean the equivalent of: You are a waste of time, energy and oxygen – I’d rather watch reruns on the Weather Channel than date you. It is the consummate get-out-of-jail free card; the rejection made simple (coincides with the whole dreaded “it’s not you, it’s me” theory). The potential for any type of romantic involvement between the two of you has been blown to smithereens (the dream is truly deferred and deceased). Come on now, I know it’s not just me. Think back here. Have you ever thought you were talking to someone but found the other person thought y'all were “just cool”?

Sadly, after being handed the dreaded “let’s just be friends” speech, you’re obligated to then become a willing friend to the other party. The receiving member looks at you in disbelief, if you say no to being just friends. (Hell naw, I don’t want be your damn friend!) As a man, I am insulted by this… it’s almost as if you think that when I first met you – the thought of friendship was dancing around in my head… as if I was anxiously awaiting the opportunity to talk to you until the wee hours of the night for no other reason than to hear you talk sh*t about your ex and to help you decide on the “perfect outfit” to wear to your next company function. (In reality, I’m like WTF? – I spent my hard-earned money on you, I gave up going out with my crew to talk to you on the phone and I even gave you a special ring tone in my phone Them ring tones are expensive as hell; does that sound like a friend to you?!!!) I, um-err-umm, have deviated, so let’s get back on track.

Please understand the dumped are a bit pissed about the whole situation. You've already cast us off, made us feel like crap, and all that not-so-good stuff. Don't insult us by asking us to hang out with you and listen to stories about people you're dating (who are apparently better than us). By the time you even get to the word friend, we're zoned out trying to figure out how to tell our friends that WE dumped YOU, or counting up all the money we wasted on you.

And then there's the cousin of "Let's be friends," the even more irritating "You're so nice, but..."

NOTHING good ever comes after the word "but." Why even try to soften it up? In addition to that, don’t tell me I’m nice. If I'm so nice, what could possibly be so bad that it counters the effects of my niceness? Maybe it’s like when you eat too ice cream and you get a brain freeze --- you’re so nice, you begin to give people headaches…

Guess what? I don't want to know. No one wants to know. Keep that ish to yourself…. however, people choose to keep talking after the word "but." And this is basically the part where she does the emotional and egotistical equivalent of a swift kick in the balls.

To top it off, because we’re friends now (and because I’m so dammed nice) - there isn’t even an outlet to vent from me (you know you can’t talk to your friends when they have pissed you off). Because I’m a man, this sucks to no end. Unlike the opposite sex, we don't cry. We don't call our friends and have “F*** him, girl” parties. We get mad. HEATED. At the girl, at her momma, her group of scalawags she calls friends (basically, everyone without a penis).

In the future, if you’re not interested… let me save my two-for-one coupon for Red Lobster so that I can take one someone else out who will enjoy my conversation, some Cheddar Bay Biscuits and just might let me make it to 3rd base on the next date… because we all know sum’ mo’ betta makes it mo’ betta…

That’s me for today… go get hugged up while I gag in the background…