Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, mammals and cats... your boy is back again. I'm cleaning up the place because I might be having some potential houseguests down... some of my boys from Chicago may be headed in this weekend. Needless to say, I like my place in tip-top shape and I am anal about it; to a fault. Everything has a place and I expect anyone who comes into my home to adhere to those rules.
I know you’re thinking: What rules are those, Jorge?
Well, I’m glad you asked… I have come up with a step-by-step booklet for you to get so that you won't get your feelings hurt in Apartment 360. It is entitled: The "Know Yo' Place, Up in My Space" Manual for Visiting Jorge Mateo... Damn, Jorge - is it that serious?
Yes, it most certainly is... it will save your friendships!
Picture this scenario: You've just finished a wonderful entree of loaded quesadillas and shots of Cuervo Gold from the local Mexican restaurant (complete with jalapenos and Habanero sauce) with your in-house guests. It was pleasing and wondrous to your palate but not as kind to your intestines... so you rush off to flush away some relief... only to find that fool Larry has left you with 2 strips of Charmin.
What the hell are you going to do with that?!! More than likely, you'd probably just sit there, stankin' and sulkin', cursing out your trifling friend...
After that scene, I bet you'd be ready to stomp a hole in somebody's chest... don't let it come to that point. Stop the violence and follow my rules to knowing yo' place up in my space!
RULE #1. Sharing is for fourth graders.
I know that's a nice-looking shirt. I know that because I spent my hard-earned money on it. You decided to buy that R. Kelly sex tape and the new subscription to King with Buffie the Body on the cover... Well, I can't blame you for that.
Still, you cannot borrow anything from the kid - the last time you borrowed something, I ended up getting arrested for having 27 unpaid parking tickets. Remember if I catch you with my stuff on, I should not be held liable for the beat-down that will ensue.
RULE #2. Bring your own toiletries.
There is nothing more disgusting than finding hairs nestled into your bar of soap because your "homie" forgot their stuff at home.
We are friends but I never want my face to be close to something you just rubbed your ball sack/cervix on... that is just uncalled for. This also goes for combs, brushes, and items of oral hygiene.
RULE #3. If you get a taste, you MUST replace.
Damn, I know those Eggo waffles were finger-lickin' good... I bought them for their yummy goodness.
I do not mind letting you eat them as long as you replace them... with the same kind you just ate. Please don't come back in with some generic store-brand when you got to eat the real deal. That just won't cut it, partna'.
RULE #4. Grab yo' trash or make that dash.
I cleaned because you were coming. That doesn't mean I will pick up after you once you arrive. More than likely, you are grown... and if you have kids, you can pick up after them. It's not that hard to do... but if it is, Motel 6 has housekeeping, free HBO and a bum in the lobby to shine your shoes for a nickel.
RULE #5. It's my space, not MySpace.
When you stay with me, you're staying with me, not your entire extended network. Not Nino and G-Money. Not Rerun and Rollo. Not Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike.
Y-O-U!
For your sake, please don't invite the crew for the hospitality. You WILL get put out -- along with them -- if they enter 360 without my permission. Don't let my foot get introduced to your ass just because you want to be the life of the party.
RULE #6. Eat your Laffy Taffy at the candy store.
There will be NO intercourse going on in my house... unless you or your partner of choice are officially tenants of Apartment 360 or putting some funds toward the residency. I'm not trying to swim through your love juices just because you and Kandi had no place to go... take your million-dollar babies back to her crib or the backseat of your Caddy...
Follow these rules - and you are welcome over any time, provided you aren't a habitual line-stepper... Lawd knows we can't have that!!!
Be easy until Tuesday!
- Jorge
I know you’re thinking: What rules are those, Jorge?
Well, I’m glad you asked… I have come up with a step-by-step booklet for you to get so that you won't get your feelings hurt in Apartment 360. It is entitled: The "Know Yo' Place, Up in My Space" Manual for Visiting Jorge Mateo... Damn, Jorge - is it that serious?
Yes, it most certainly is... it will save your friendships!
Picture this scenario: You've just finished a wonderful entree of loaded quesadillas and shots of Cuervo Gold from the local Mexican restaurant (complete with jalapenos and Habanero sauce) with your in-house guests. It was pleasing and wondrous to your palate but not as kind to your intestines... so you rush off to flush away some relief... only to find that fool Larry has left you with 2 strips of Charmin.
What the hell are you going to do with that?!! More than likely, you'd probably just sit there, stankin' and sulkin', cursing out your trifling friend...After that scene, I bet you'd be ready to stomp a hole in somebody's chest... don't let it come to that point. Stop the violence and follow my rules to knowing yo' place up in my space!
RULE #1. Sharing is for fourth graders.
I know that's a nice-looking shirt. I know that because I spent my hard-earned money on it. You decided to buy that R. Kelly sex tape and the new subscription to King with Buffie the Body on the cover... Well, I can't blame you for that.
Still, you cannot borrow anything from the kid - the last time you borrowed something, I ended up getting arrested for having 27 unpaid parking tickets. Remember if I catch you with my stuff on, I should not be held liable for the beat-down that will ensue.RULE #2. Bring your own toiletries.
There is nothing more disgusting than finding hairs nestled into your bar of soap because your "homie" forgot their stuff at home.
We are friends but I never want my face to be close to something you just rubbed your ball sack/cervix on... that is just uncalled for. This also goes for combs, brushes, and items of oral hygiene.RULE #3. If you get a taste, you MUST replace.
Damn, I know those Eggo waffles were finger-lickin' good... I bought them for their yummy goodness.
I do not mind letting you eat them as long as you replace them... with the same kind you just ate. Please don't come back in with some generic store-brand when you got to eat the real deal. That just won't cut it, partna'.RULE #4. Grab yo' trash or make that dash.
I cleaned because you were coming. That doesn't mean I will pick up after you once you arrive. More than likely, you are grown... and if you have kids, you can pick up after them. It's not that hard to do... but if it is, Motel 6 has housekeeping, free HBO and a bum in the lobby to shine your shoes for a nickel.
RULE #5. It's my space, not MySpace.
When you stay with me, you're staying with me, not your entire extended network. Not Nino and G-Money. Not Rerun and Rollo. Not Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike.
Y-O-U!
For your sake, please don't invite the crew for the hospitality. You WILL get put out -- along with them -- if they enter 360 without my permission. Don't let my foot get introduced to your ass just because you want to be the life of the party.
RULE #6. Eat your Laffy Taffy at the candy store.
There will be NO intercourse going on in my house... unless you or your partner of choice are officially tenants of Apartment 360 or putting some funds toward the residency. I'm not trying to swim through your love juices just because you and Kandi had no place to go... take your million-dollar babies back to her crib or the backseat of your Caddy...
Follow these rules - and you are welcome over any time, provided you aren't a habitual line-stepper... Lawd knows we can't have that!!!
Be easy until Tuesday!
- Jorge
Jorge,
ReplyDeleteNow you know you don't get visitors enough to try to be soo damned picky with the way they behave.true though.your rules are some of the basic requirements for visiting someone,especially when you know that they've cleaned up for you.But anyway,have fun with yor boyz and make sure that if they bring their own toiletries that they take them with them when they leave.No one wants to find some jock itch cream left behind for them in the shower....
Hell to da naw! LOL. I thought I was a picky. I feel you on the toiletries though. I take it a step further, bring your own towels and a pillow. I live alone, meaning I don't have a whole lot of "extra" stuff for visitors. If I let somebody stay with me, that means I really love them.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that I'm picky... I just want the folks to know what's expected before they come into the crib... am I being too unreasonable?
ReplyDeleteSee, this is why i dont clean up when peeps come thru my crib. If i leave it the way i usually do, i wont get mad when its messed up when peeps leave. Jorge does leave it pretty much the same though, props to the tru OG from the Chi. Also, shouts to erybody from Hiroshima, Japan. Its beautiful over here, and if you dont like it, YO COUCH!!
ReplyDeleteAre you the same Jorge from, say, 4 yrs ago who used to leave shirts thrown on the back of couches and stools, shoes just randomly strewn about the hallway, and food on the kitchen counter? And don't I remember a hole or two in the apt. walls. Yeah, your right, I think other people may have left those.
ReplyDeleteMy, my, my have you changed! lol.
Its good what a few years can do for a person.
zero... when is ur place ever clean? it looks like wild pigs came over there. don't u want to be clean for urself? cleanliness is next to Godliness... so it says.
ReplyDeleteMy place is usually very clean... but there are times when I can get lazy and the vision of my abode is blurred...
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, I am the only one allowed to be dirty, because I pays the bills!!!
LOL...
i just need you to have the bedroom clean... for when i come put it on you, sexy...
ReplyDelete;)
don't try to figure out who it is... i want it to be a surprise, mr. golden wrapper
:D
i just need you to have the bedroom clean... for when i come put it on you, sexy...
ReplyDelete;)
don't try to figure out who it is... i want it to be a surprise, mr. golden wrapper
:D
Dang Jorge you put it on her so good she had to post the comment twice?!
ReplyDeleteHell if I know... but it makes my ego feel GREAT!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL, Brit, you're a trip. You DO need to find out who-dat-is, Playa.
ReplyDeleteThe rules are definitely on point. Nothing's worse than somebody pub'ing-up your soap.
i enjoy my friends pubes. i feel closer to them.
ReplyDeleteWow... I think I'm going to buy liquid soap from now on...
ReplyDeleteLOL...That's sick. I hope these friends are of the opposite sex.
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah, PHS... I definitely need to find out that is... for my own sanity!
ReplyDeleteit's both sexes of friends. i enjoy them so much. that enhances our bonds.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, y'all are hilarious!!! For some reason I'm thinking anonymous is a dude!
ReplyDeleteY'all got me thinking about on Dave Chappelle, when dude was saying something like "you got the soap all inbetween your butt..."
I better be the only dude....
ReplyDeletedude....
ReplyDeletea cat IS a mammal. as a person who once attended kindergarten, you should know that. i'm disappointed in you. get it right, yo.
Nyberg, sorry I was slippin for a minute.... good to have you back, kiddo...
ReplyDelete