In the midst of doing my daily routine the other day, (which consists of waking up, breathing, administering hygiene to my self, doing paperwork, reading blogs on MySpace/Blogger and responding to some random comment/note and eating) I came across something on Brittastic's blog that sparked my interest. Britt talked about being a “serial monogamist”, in which she had long-term relationships, one after another.
According to the Urban Dictionary, the definition of a “serial monogamist” is “one who spends as little time as possible being single, moving from the end of one relationship to the beginning of a new relationship as quickly as possible.” The defining aspect of serial monogamy is the desire and ability to enter new relationships very quickly, thus abbreviating any period of single life. I guess this sums up what I used to do to a T.
To be honest, I’m the type of person who loves the idea of being loved. Who doesn’t love being loved? As a man, I am programmed for love by carrying out the chase.
The chase involves the intrinsic nature of wooing someone, wearing them down with various advances until they echo the interest that is shown to them. Following the chase and capture of my new boo, we enjoy the part of the courtship known as the newness.
Ahh, the newness; the time in which there are virtually no flaws with your companion. Everything seems great... you walk with a bounce in your step, food tastes better and days seem sunnier. Five-hour phone conversations are too short, their residence is immaculate, every joke they tell is hilarious and they control all of the bodily functions around you. Life is good… until you hit the end of the trial period.
Everyone knows that when you purchase something, there is a limited amount of time you can return it from where it came (i.e. the aforementioned trial period). After that time is up - you are stuck with it, buddy. The same thing seems to occur in relationships.
The dude/chick that stole your heart in the beginning senses the trial period is over – and allows Mr. or Miss Hyde (not to be confused with the lovable Dr. Jekyll) – to emerge.
All of sudden, it seems like the fun stuff is boring and old, their jokes are corny and stale and worst of all, they feel comfortable to showcase their pent-up flatulence in front of you.
Needless to say, the object of your affection has quickly fallen down a few levels.
Almost immediately, you guys start arguing incessantly, finding faults in the smallest of things and contemplating why you decided to even begin a relationship… so you end it… and sulk about being lonely… until you meet the new Mr. or Miss Right and you start the vicious cycle - all over again.
Why does this happen? Differences in personalities, beliefs, religions, Kool-Aid flavors… the list is endless. Most of the time, it might be incompatibility. However, I think that there are three distinctive “serial monogamists” that can sometimes sabotage their situations:
The Hunter: the person who loves the pursuit and capture of their prey.
Yeah, dude… I got her eating out the palm of my hand… pretty soon, she’ll be wanting to have my babies – or at least, we can start practicing!
The Co-Dependent: the person who just can’t stand being single.
You know Sheryl, the chick who was dating Will for a year, only to break up with Will for Jake, who she dumped three months later because she likes Tony, who she then dumped after six months because she has a new crush on Mike… I think she likes me…
The Neurotic Worrier: the person who gets so worked up about something going wrong in a relationship, they actually begin to believe it.
How come it took her 5 calls to pick up the phone? She must be creepin’ on me… Nah, son – I ain’t going out like that.
Personally, I became afflicted with this condition at an early age. Back then, I was happy that girls even spoke to me, let alone get involved with me. The ladies weren’t exactly running down the kid in his beat-up Pro-Wings and with hand-me-down corduroys… Eventually I grew up, gained some confidence - but I never really shook the feeling that I needed to be with someone... and I carried that with me from relationship to relationship. To this day, Mama Sharon doesn’t want to get close to anyone I’m involved with “for fear that I will steal them away from her”.
Understand that the type of thinking I was doing was not healthy. Fortunately (at least for me), I’ve got a few family members who’ve scared that notion of “independent” living right out of me. Constantly needing the affection (and attention) of someone else, whether consciously or subconsciously, can shatter a person’s independent self-image. An incessant fear of being alone can be quite overwhelming. On the other hand, no one wants to be the old lady with 20 cats, singing Donny Hathaway songs to the mailbox or the old man on the couch in tattered tightie-whities, looking over his antique collection of bottle caps.
With that being said, take a chance… allow yourself to enjoy the moment with that special someone. They might just be The One (or the one will make you appreciate The One when you eventually find them).
That’s my time. Have a good weekend!
- Jorge
The chase involves the intrinsic nature of wooing someone, wearing them down with various advances until they echo the interest that is shown to them. Following the chase and capture of my new boo, we enjoy the part of the courtship known as the newness.
All of sudden, it seems like the fun stuff is boring and old, their jokes are corny and stale and worst of all, they feel comfortable to showcase their pent-up flatulence in front of you.
Yeah, dude… I got her eating out the palm of my hand… pretty soon, she’ll be wanting to have my babies – or at least, we can start practicing! 
You know Sheryl, the chick who was dating Will for a year, only to break up with Will for Jake, who she dumped three months later because she likes Tony, who she then dumped after six months because she has a new crush on Mike… I think she likes me…
How come it took her 5 calls to pick up the phone? She must be creepin’ on me… Nah, son – I ain’t going out like that.
I think people get so disappointed in relationships after the "Newlywed phase" because their expectations were unrealistic in to begin with. And that's a society flaw, rather than a personal flaw. TV and sh*t has us all believing that there is some fairytale happiness type-thing going on in every good relationship. So when a relationship stops feeling like a fairytale, we think something's wrong. Especially in marriages. Hence, the divorce rate is so high. We fail to realize that a marriage is as much a business partnership as it is a union of love.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, everybody needs/wants somebody. So we'll keep chasing it. It's an endless cycle.
First off, Jorge your needy!!!
ReplyDeleteSecondly,
People only need to feel connected with someone because they don't feel whole just being solo. I mean if you are comfortable with yourself, than being single for a little while won't kill you. So all you serial monogamists, drive slow!
I'm sure every person can say they love being loved, however, that doesn't mean you have to create love within a relationship just to say you have it.
Mr. Mateo.....this is a subject you know I know oh to well. I think I could be labeled as a serial monogamist, but my resolution this year was to bring that to an end. This year I'm gonna live the single life, enjoy the dating scene. Of course that is until I think I've met the "one", or should I say the next one. But for now, this is time for ME. After all, no one can love you like yourself.
ReplyDeleteP.S.
Can someone give me directions to the dating scene? Seems I'm having a hard time finding my way there..........
That's deep i never looked at myself that way but i see it now. I'm in love w/ the Idea of being Loved... Even tho i think love doesnt exist, It always ends in pain. But i Jump from one relationship to the next like Mexican Jumping Bean... One of my friends told me that I can't hold the next Girl Responsible for what my Ex-Girl did so every since then i just jumped head first into the next one w/o thinking bout my feelings or if i knew the person if we were compatable or any of that.... Good Post man!!!
ReplyDeleteLeslieLou - lol, you're way too gangsta for me, mama.
ReplyDeleteJorge, I think we're all needy to a certain extent. Some people NEED excessive amounts of affection. Some people NEED to be in control. Some NEED to their own space. We all have needs. You just have to be careful of not forcing your needs onto someone else and making them into something they're not to satisy your wants.
I just realized how wordy that last sentence was, does it make sense?
way harsh leslielou...
ReplyDeletepeople that are serial monogamists, are indeed looking for things outside of themselves, but i think that it is an opportunity for people to learn something about themselves through the way they interact with other people...
i like to feel connected to other people because i dont live and dwell alone... i need connections with people because i have to interact with people each day i live...
its interesting that we look down on people for wanting to be in relationships if for no other reason thats what is being stressed to us at every interval of our lives, if thats what we are being fed from very young then i think that people will continue to seek out relationships...
well...thats what i think anyway but it appears as though i am not in the minority because everyone around me tends to seek relationships as well...
Wow, I figured this out about myself a while ago. I don't, however, consider myself to be a serial monogomist. I try very hard to give myself space after a breakup. It's always hard but I get through it. Being in love with the idea of being in love isn't a bad thing. It keeps you open to almost every possibility as long as you are aware of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI think that a lot of people's problems stem from insecurities. They don't feel secure enough in themselves to walk alone; without any support. They need someone to give them validation.
ReplyDeletePHS, I agree with your statement - everybody wants/needs/loves somebody... it's amazing what people will do for love... unfortunately, sometimes it can paint into a corner that you are stuck in...
I think everyone has been in the position where "relationship hopping" has been commonplace. The question then becomes, "Why?" I found myself in that position once, and I asked myself that very question..why? The answer that I came up with is that I felt like being in a defined relationship with someone completed me! Fortunately after breaking up with the last boyfriend, I figured out that I don't need to be with someone JUST to complete me! I found myself searching for someone to feel what I thought was a void in my life, but I agree with Jorge...it was totally my insecurities. I've come to terms with them, now, and am totally happy to be by myself. PHS said that it's an endless cycle, but the cycle can be stopped...I DID IT!!
ReplyDelete"I've been so many places in my life and times..." Donny Hathoway,Song For You
ReplyDeleteWhat is the opposite of a serial monogimist? Especially if you are single becuase you love yourself and don't need the affirmation of another person with a label of "yours" to make this known?
Everybody,back off LeslieLou be cause she hit the hog on the snout!People,let's face it.Let's really sit down and analyze these "serial Monogimists".Why can't they stay single.Usually because as soon as the threat of being alone with themselves arises ,they're running for the hills.They are so used to other people making them feel beautiful, or special or funny (and the list goes on) that when they don't see it in their alone time, they begin to doubt if these traits even exist.True, we all have out bouts of low self-esteem,but the serial monogimist hasn't learned how to deal with it yet.I have a friend,let's call her "Princess Brown" and her issues began with her family.She was loved and loved out of the ears!Nothing she did was wrong,even when it was.Spoiled was she and so she began to look for people to spoil her like her parents did-enter the boyfirends.The cycle continued through college where the longest she went single I think was one month!Now she's married and whenever her husband chastises her for something she's done wrong,she thinks he's going to divorce her!!Or he's cheating and found someone better(low self-esteem).
I ask this question to the serial monogimist:When you do become single,is it ever by choice?
Sorry to have gone Dr.Phil, but that's what it is.
Oh no, I talk to the cat already! I feel you exactly on this one, I have been the girl who always has a boyfriend, whether it is a serious relationship or not, there was always a man (read: boy) at my side. For the past year I have been a self-proclaimed single adult; it has been one of the best years of my life. No reporting where I am, or who I am with, except to my still over-protective mother, and I like that.
ReplyDeleteTo be grown and single in a city like Nashville is a difficult thing, ALL of my friends are married, most with children. Dang, I'm the same age, is there something wrong w/ me. Yeah prolly, but I don't care, I love me and kitty loves me and that is all that matters
Yo, i have to agree wit lil leslielou on this one. We all do want to be connected to some degree, but the serial monogamist has to be connected IN RELATIONSHIP. That is different than dating/kicking it/boning. The serial monogamist is only comfortable in relationship, therefore there is something about that definition and supposed security that draws the serial monogamist and, and it is also that same thing that makes them go to another relationship.
ReplyDeleteWhat is that 'thing'? It is unique to each serialist. For most, it is the security that they will have someone to call at night that will actually answer and have to sit and listen to their bs. Others, it is the lure of 'lazy ass' i.e. the easy "hey what r U doing?" call for some loving. I have 2 good friends and several associates who are serial monogamists, and the aformentioned reasons got them (or has them) into some stupid relationships.
I wasn't talking about each person goes through it endlessly when I said "endless cycle". I meant that there have always been people seeking serial monogamy, and there always will be.
ReplyDeleteOn an individual level, the cycle is broken. But as everyone here has said, it's a security thang.
I agree with you on the "trial period" thing, but I truly believe that the trial period exists because people continually introduce others to their "representative" instead of their "real" self. I got lucky though. I introduced the "real" me to a woman, and fortunately for me, she actually liked that version of who I was. We are still together, and actually married, and we still act silly around one another and enjoy each others company the same way that we did when we first met. Due in no small part to the fact that we both introduced our "real" selves to each other right from the start.
ReplyDeleteZero... that's why you get friends who will listen to you during your boredom like how I call you...
ReplyDeleteDANG my people, not trying to be harsh. Only telling the truth. But the man did say he was a serial monogamist, therefore henceforth and moreover, he is needy. He NEEDS to be in a relationship all the time. And probably worries himself to death when he is not in one or spends all of his extra time looking for one or trying to make one.
ReplyDeleteI've never been a serial monogamist, and don't think I've ever dated one...
ReplyDeleteI've never even experienced what is is to be in a REEEAL relationship, and I'm 25...
Have I ever been wooed? Is being treated to McDonalds considered "wooing"? What is the essence of "The Woo"?
Given the past and present circumstances, I'd like to run for the future distinguished position of Old Cat Lady, feeding 9 Lives and Whiskas to the population of kitty poor and homeless, and maybe even old saltines to some wayward pigeons.
VOTE FOR ME IN 2033!!!!